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Bereavement
Bereavement is something which happens to almost everyone at some stage in their lives. The death of someone close to you, whether it was expected or sudden, can be an extremely difficult time, and you will experience many different emotions.
Grief
Everyone experiences grief in different ways and there is no right or wrong way to cope with it. Your emotions after losing someone close to you will depend on many things, including your relationship to them, how you felt about them, and the circumstances of their death, as well as your own personal experiences. Although everyone is different, there are stages of grief which almost everyone goes through. These stages aren't always distinct, and there is usually some overlap between them.
There is no single way to grieve. Everyone is different and each person grieves in his or her own way. There is no set timescale for reaching these stages, but it can help to know what the stages are and that intense emotions and swift changes in mood are perfectly normal.
- Feeling emotionally numb is often the first reaction to a loss. This may last for a few hours, days or longer. In some ways, this numbness can help you to get through the practical arrangements and pressures that may surround the funeral, but if this phase goes on for too long it can become a problem.
- Numbness may be replaced by a deep yearning for the person who has died. For example, every time the phone rings you might expect it to be the person who has died, or you may think you see him or her on the bus or in crowds.
- You may feel agitated or angry, and find it difficult to concentrate, relax or sleep. You may also feel guilty, dwelling on arguments you had with that person or on emotions and words you wish that you had expressed.
- This period of strong emotion usually gives way to bouts of intense sadness, silence and withdrawal from family and friends. During this time, you may be prone to sudden outbursts of tears, set off by reminders and memories of the deceased.
- Over time, the pain, sadness and depression start to lessen. You begin to see your life in a more positive light again. Although it's important to acknowledge there may always be a feeling of loss, you begin to learn to live with it.
- The final phase of grieving is to let go of the person who has died and to carry on with your life, although things may never be exactly the same as they were before. Your sleeping patterns and energy levels should return to normal.
The grieving process can take some time. How long it takes depends on you and your personal situation. In general, though, it usually takes one to two years to recover from a major bereavement.
Depression
Sometimes the grieving process is especially difficult. Some people find it impossible to acknowledge the bereavement at all, which can mean that their feelings aren't worked through properly. This may also happen if you don't have time to grieve properly, perhaps because of work pressures or if you are looking after your family. Others may be unable to move on from their grief, or remain in the numb stages of grief, finding it hard to believe the person is dead for several years. Such difficult grieving can lead to recurring bouts of depression, loss of appetite and even suicidal feelings. You are more likely to have a difficult grieving process if:
- you are on your own and have no support from your community, family, or friends
- you have unresolved issues with the person who died
- the death was caused by a particularly difficult event, such as a national disaster or an unsolved murder
- the person goes missing or it isn't clear exactly what happened
- you are unable to attend the funeral or there isn't one
Depression is a natural response to a bereavement, and usually lifts of its own accord. If it doesn’t, you could be clinically depressed. This can be treated, for example with medication, and you should speak to your GP as soon as possible. You may also find it helpful to read our section on Depression for further advice and information.
Ways of coping
There are many different ways to cope with a bereavement and everyone will find different methods helpful. The first thing you should do is to look after yourself, physically and mentally. Grief can be exhausting and stressful. It is important to eat well, get plenty of rest and express your emotions in whatever way feels right for you. Talk to your family and friends and ask for help if you need it. If you are finding it difficult to manage your grief, or you don’t have anyone that you are able to talk to or ask for help, you may wish to look for help elsewhere.
Counselling
Counselling involves talking to someone who is trained in the art of listening, so that you can express how you feel and begin to find your own solutions to your problems. Talking and being heard by someone who shows empathy and acceptance can help you to explore the issues that are troubling you. The counsellor may be able to help you to develop a greater understanding of your feelings, thoughts and behaviour.
Your GP practice may have a counselling service attached to it, or your GP may refer you to another counselling service within the NHS. Bereavement counselling can also be obtained from a variety of voluntary and private organisations. The information below gives details of some organisations that may be able to help.
Support groups
Support groups offer an opportunity to meet up with other people who are in a similar situation. They can help to deal with feelings of isolation and, at the same time, show you how other people have coped. Finding that you can support others may help you too. People who have experienced bereavement often lead these groups. The information below gives details of some organisations that may be able to help.
Medication
Your GP may be able to offer you tranquillisers, sleeping pills or antidepressants. They can be helpful for a short period of time, but can also have side effects which you should discuss with your GP before taking them. Some medication can also cause withdrawal symptoms when you stop taking them, so you should think carefully about whether it is the best option for you.
Practical issues
When someone dies you not only have to cope with your loss and the emotions that this brings, but there may also be practical issues that you need to deal with. This can include:
- registering the death
- arranging the funeral
- contacting friends and relatives
- dealing with the will
- sorting out benefits
You may find it difficult or distressing to deal with these practicalities and you shouldn’t try to cope alone. If you can, ask family or friends to help you. You may also find it helpful to read our section When someone dies: a practical guide, which gives a list of practical steps to take after the death of someone close to you.
Local advice and information
Age UK Newcastle offer a Bereavement Counselling Service for people aged 50 and over. Volunteers who are trained in basic counselling and listening skills visit people in their own home to support them through their loss. For further information, contact Age UK Newcastle using the details given below.
Cruse Bereavement Care exists to promote the wellbeing of bereaved people and to enable anyone bereaved by death to understand their grief and cope with their loss. The organisation provides counselling and support. It offers information, advice, education and training services. The Tyneside branch is based in Heaton and offers support through specialist one-to-one counselling, practical advice and information. They also have support sessions where bereaved people can share experiences, emotions and feelings with each other. Contact Cruse for further information using the details given below, or visit their website.
Newcastle Talking Therapies offers a range of talking therapies, advice, information and support. Talking therapies are effective in helping people with problems such as depression, anxiety, stress, anger, fears, bereavement and relationship difficulties. For further information, visit the Newcastle Talking Therapies website.
St Oswald’s Hospice provides a range of support services to those who are bereaved, on a one-to-one basis and in groups. Group sessions are held in St Oswald’s Hospice, where patients have the chance to share their feelings and experiences in a warm and welcoming setting with others who understand. A one-to-one service is available at St Oswald’s, over the telephone, or can be held in the comfort of a patient’s home. Contact St Oswald’s Hospice for further information using the details given below, or visit their website.
Other useful information
Information NOW section on Bereavement benefits
Age UK's information guide Going solo
Carers Direct information on Bereavement support
Counselling Directory
Department of Health's guide Help is at Hand: A resource for people bereaved by suicide and other sudden, traumatic death
Mind's information on Bereavement
Other useful organisations
National Association of Widows
Samaritans
Support after Murder and Manslaughter
Contact Information
Age UK Newcastle
5th Floor, Hadrian House, Higham Place, Newcastle upon Tyne, NE1 8AF.
Telephone : 0191 2326488, Fax : 0191 2359925.
Email : enquiries@ageuknewcastle.org.uk
Cruse Bereavement Care
St Gabriel's Centre, 2 St Gabriel's Avenue, Heaton, Newcastle upon Tyne, NE6 5QN.
Telephone : (0191) 276 5533.
St Oswald's Hospice
Regent Avenue, Gosforth, Newcastle upon Tyne, NE3 1EE.
Telephone : (0191) 285 0063, Fax : (0191) 284 8004.
Email : enquiries@stoswaldsuk.org
Article last updated December 29, 2011 8:44 pm
